All at once it can seem like your sweet little baby has turned into a testy toddler. It can be a frustrating and trying time, and as much as you love your little one, it can be really hard to keep your cool at times. Toddlers can be difficult because they are entering a period in their lives when they become more curious, independent, and begin to discover who they are as an individual, but they still have a lot to learn about reason and communication.
It hit me at one of my daughter, Aria’s dance classes… The teacher pulled out the tumble mat, which is Aria’s favorite part of the whole class, and asked the little girls to line up and take turns practicing summersaults. After Aria’s first turn I went to lead her back into line and she collapsed to the ground and screamed in a fit because she wanted to go straight back to somersaulting and skip the line. In this first experience of a toddler melt down I felt my face turn red and could not help but feel frustrated with my daughter for embarrassing me. The thing is, it was bound to happen at some point, and I was just not prepared for it. I reacted by first saying “Why are you being so dramatic?” and then by laughing with my red face and dragging her back to the line. Neither of these reactions were successful and neither of them were right.
I decided very early on that I would be mindful of how I say things to my children because I never want to inflict negative emotions or feelings that discourage self love. That means that instead of saying things like, “I can’t carry you Aria your too heavy..” I would instead say “I can’t carry you, Aria, Mommy is too tired today.” OR “You can’t go on that ride your not big enough…” I would instead say “You can’t go on that ride, it’s too dangerous for you right now.”. This way I am putting the reason why something isn’t attainable right now or today on the thing itself and not making my daughter feel like it is because of her.
Disciplining is by definition training someone to obey by using punishment, if a toddler learns to obey via punishment then they will learn to associate obedience as a negative feeling. That is not something any toddler should learn. Obedience should be a positive thing and understanding that following the rules and doing what is right as a positive thing, that emits happy emotions and teaches them at a young age to walk a straight path.
Although toddlers can be frustrating, they are also so amazing at this age and so much fun! They are learning to understand that their actions make things happen, and as frustrating, messy, or embarrassing as that may be, it is interesting and exciting to a toddler who doesn’t know any better. Toddlers are also learning new emotions because they are cognitively growing and are able to recognize when they do or do not like something. They are becoming individuals and this is a beautiful thing! It is important to remember that we need to raise our children up as they blossom into the people they will be, and we can help them by guiding them along and teaching them how to handle these new experiences and emotions. Discipline is not a healthy way to train your toddler to obey rules or understand bad behavior because punishing a child will bring about negative emotions that a toddler is not able to yet understand or control. As trying as it may be, toddlers are manageable, trainable, and guidable, it just takes a little preparation from the parents stand point.
My daughter is 15 months old and I am experiencing the trying stages of toddlerhood with her already. Today I am sharing 9 tactics I use to teach my daughter obedience and guide her to how to follow rules and grow into a happy and balanced little girl.
Communication
Toddlers may not be able to speak more then a few words and they may have the attention span of no more then just a few moments, but they do understand you. Make sure your toddler can know what to expect in a day and if possible give them notice when something different is happening. “Aria, your auntie is going to come and play with you this afternoon while mommy goes grocery shopping”, is an example of giving your toddler an expectation they can prepare for. Another example of this is, “Aria, after breakfast we are going to dance class”, which lets your toddler know whats coming so they aren’t as surprised when they can’t watch Mickey Mouse instead of getting in the car…“Remember, Aria? We are going to dance class now, time to get in the car and we can watch Mickey Mouse when we get back home”.
Remember The Routine
Being aware of your toddler’s routine and keeping that in mind will help immensely when it comes to having fewer meltdowns. Planning ahead and creating a schedule to follow can save you a lot of headache by anticipating what you can expect. You do not leave for the grocery store when it is time for your toddler’s nap. I like to plan my week out in advance and schedule errands, outings, and visits during awake times and preferably right after meals. At the beginning of the week I will actually go over all the plans with my toddler even though she will not remember it all, and then give reminders all week long.
Snacks/Toys
Regardless of how much planning you do, there will always be a meltdown you cannot avoid. Typically a toddler throws a fit for one of the following reasons; they are hungry, they are tired, they are bored, they are uncomfortable. You can help tame all these triggers by being prepared and having all the necessary snacks, toys, and comforts readily available to hand over for comfort or distraction when a meltdown starts. My daughter, Aria LOVES to snack and will often ask for a cracker even if it has been just minutes since her last meal. I keep a hefty supply of crackers in my car at all times and I cannot even tell you how many times that has saved a meltdown or ten!
Involvement
Allowing your toddler to be involved in processes can turn “I don’t want to get dressed”, into “I want to wear the yellow shirt” in a matter of moments. Give your toddler options and let them be involved in making decisions along the way as you go about your day. This will help to eliminate certain fits all together. Another way of doing this is giving them the independence they crave and letting them try to do some thing for themselves. My daughter hates getting her face wiped off after meal times and almost always cries when I do it. Instead I have opted to letting her clean up on her own by wetting the rag and handing it to her saying, “Here, Aria, can you wash up please?”. I show her how to wipe her hands and say “Don’t forget your face!”, and then cheer as she does it correctly. Instead of a meltdown, the event then ends is cheers and clapping hands and smiles. I will take that any day!
Eliminate Temptation
Regardless of how well you may be able to guide your toddler to follow the rules, eliminating temptation will always make that easier. Toddlers are curious and not yet able to control themselves when a desire to do something kicks in. They are not able to make decisions that are calculated or practical and can easily fall or get hurt if not watched closely. You can avoid much of this by making sure their environment is conducive to their habits. If your toddler loves to dig in the potted plant in your living room and eat the dirt, maybe instead of constantly wagging your finger and saying “No we don’t play with the plant”, it is better to just move the plant all together. The same goes for distractions, if your toddler likes to stare at the tv instead of eat his dinner, maybe it is better to turn the cartoons off until dinner time is over.
Quiet Time Vs. Time Out
As I mentioned in the opening paragraph, I never want to inflict negative emotions or feelings that discourage self love for my children. Although a time out is a good way to teach a 3, 4, 5 year old to behave after they know they have misbehaved, a toddler does not yet have the understanding to recognize why they have to sit in a corner for 5 minutes after spilling the milk, and it can actually cause them to have negative feelings toward themselves thinking they are bad or disliked. Instead of a time out, try quiet time. My daughter can get very excited and it is not uncommon that she will run around the house singing and waving her hands around, bound to knock something over at some point. When it is time for her to take it down a notch I will make a big deal out of quiet time and say, “Aria! Let’s get your COZY blankey, your FAVORITE baby, and your NUMMY sippy and lay down SO nice and comfy right here in your special spot and watch your FAVORITE show for a while together!, or read your FAVORITE book together!”. It works every time, even if it is just for a few moments, she will lay down, calm down, and when she gets back up she is more likely to listen.
Stay Calm and Ignore
Have you ever been that parent in the department store, red in the face with embarrassment and frustration as you try to take the hand of your screaming toddler who is now collapsing onto the ground and dramatically rolling back and forth tears streaming down their face? Yeah? Me too… How can we not get embarrassed in these moments, right? And to top it all off the couple down the aisle is glaring at you, judging your parenting skills hard even though they are not parents themselves and have no idea what it is like. Yes, yes, I feel your pain and you are not alone! But when it comes down to it, there is really just one thing to do in these moments. Suck it up, stay calm, and simply ignore this behavior. The more you react the more your toddler will see that this behavior encourages a reaction out of you and is more likely to do it again. By remaining calm your child can learn to mimic your demeanor, and by ignoring them and simply picking them up and leaving, will eventually result in them giving up or becoming exhausted from their meltdown and ultimately calming down. The best defense is no defense in these situations. A toddler has a lot of emotions and does not yet know how to control them or how to express them in a controlled manner, and it is bound to happen that they will get frustrated and upset. By ignoring freak outs, and giving attention to calm communications, your toddler will quickly learn that the best way to get what they want is not to scream and cry but to simply ask.
Give Praise
Following the previous paragraph, then, it is important to listen and watch your toddler and give that praise that is needed to teach them when they have done something right. “Did you just wait for mommy to finish talking to the mail man before nicely asking for a cracker? What a good and patient little girl you are, Aria! Mommy is so proud of you, you did such a good job!”, is an example of this. Another one would be making it a big deal to praise your toddler when they take your hand to cross the street or walk through the store, “You are so good for taking mommy’s hand and begin dafe! Mommy is so proud of you, what a sweet girl you are!”, or “Good job, Aria, for taking turns and waiting so patiently in line! You are such a smart girl!”.
Relax
Choose your battles! If your toddler is hitting or pinching another child that is one thing that must be corrected, but if she wants to wear her fairy wings to the grocery store, maybe it is better to just let her be a child and roll with it. At the end of the day your toddler is still your baby and they have a lot to learn and grow into. It is important to remember that it is ok to be relaxed in some situations and allow your toddler to grow into their own personality and experience new things on their own and in their on way. I swell with pride watching my daughter do things her own way and then look at me for reassurance or praise. She may not understand that eating her cracker after the dog licked it is the yummiest thing, but she is so proud that she was able to share and that is more important to me.
As a mom of two little girls under the age of two I still have a long way to go with learning to guide them to follow rules and obey. I am still growing my self everyday, I know that not everyday will be perfect, and eventually a meltdown is bound to happen. But these tips above have already helped me so much, and even if they all fail it is helpful to remember that toddlers are individuals too and I can be so proud of my girls as they blossom into their own personalities whether is means they have a day full of fits or not.